Everyone is gone.

Everyone is gone.

The last out-of-towners, my brother and one of my sisters, left this morning. So now we begin the business of settling down and getting back to "normal," whatever that is.

I have been vacillating wildly between being "okay" and being consumed with crushing grief. My husband told me that the process will probably be similar to when his parents' house burned down ten years ago; for months--maybe even years--you think of things you lost in the fire. And I think he is right. It seems as though dozens of times a day I think of new things that I have lost with Dad. His biscuits and gravy; the fish tails he made especially for me; driving up to my parents' house and seeing him out by his boat, smoking; watching him crank his boat back up on the trailer; seeing him open up his cooler to show me his latest catch; hearing him answer the phone with his sarcastic, drawling, "Whaaaaaaaat?" and so on... I wonder how long it will go on. Will I ever stop thinking of the losses?

Dan is in a new phase where he likes to pretend he is someone else (I went out to my in-laws the other night to pick him up, and he had decided that he was Graddy and that Graddy was Dan), and last night, he christened me Papa. Then today he decided that my mom was Papa. But other than that, he has not said a single word about Papa. It makes me wonder what he does and does not understand. On the one hand, I don't want to keep bringing it up and risk freaking Dan out; on the other hand, I don't want to take the chance of letting Daddy fade away in Dan's mind. It's a fine line to walk.

I head back to work on Tuesday, and I have no idea what I will find when I get there. I fully intended every single day this week to go in and put together work for my kids, and I just never could do it. I was too afraid I'd fall apart. My co-workers, bless their hearts, have been incredible. But my poor kids will have to work double-time when I get back to make up for the lost time. Maybe it will keep my mind off of things.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Please pray for my mom as she faces her first Valentine's Day without her mate.